I really like making friends, y’all. It’s fun to talk to new people and hear new stories and learn new things. But sometimes I get too excited. Sometimes I forget to play it cool. Sometimes, I misread the situation.
One time, I was walking downtown on my way to the bus after work. I was wearing my new sundress. It was so pretty, you guys. Light blue, with white hearts, a hot pink tiny belt, and little white cardigan. It was almost too precious. I glanced up and saw a girl walking toward me, WEARING THE EXACT SAME DRESS. Obviously we were going to become friends, exchange phone numbers, and meet up to buy matching sparkle TOMS.
So I did exactly what any normal person would do as we got close to each other. I raised my arms above my head and shouted, “MATCHY MATCHY SAME/SAME DRESS FRIENDS!”
My new bff? My friend with excellent sartorial instincts? SHE SPED UP AND DIDN’T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT. I was left with my arms over my head, smile frozen on my face, while I watched her book it away from me.
I realized that sometimes people don’t know when it’s time to bond.
A little while later, I also realized that I have no idea when it is NOT time to bond.
I was at Nordstrom with two of my best friends, looking for bridesmaids dresses, when I decided to go off and find the restroom. While I was washing my hands, a girl walked in and stood next to me, washing her hands.
Now, you have to understand. When I go bridesmaids dress shopping, I like to look fancy because sometimes bridal shops give you champagne. That is what happens in the movies. I seriously disappointed my sister when we shopped for her wedding dress because I promised her FREE champagne if we looked fancy enough. We wore PEARLS. But nobody ever offered us champagne. Still, I believe it could happen, so I was wearing some of my fanciest clothes AND carrying my fanciest purse, a Dolce and Gabbana knock-off that Ceci bought in NYC.
The girl eyeballed my bag and complimented me.
My New Friend: I like your purse.
Me: THANK YOU!
My New Friend: I didn’t know Dolce and Gabbana made a purse like that.
Me: (totally excited that we are about to bond) THEY DON’T! IT IS A TOTALLY FAKE BAG! WE CALL IT MY “DOLCE AND GA-BLAH-BLAH”! ISN’T THAT AWESOME? IT WAS ONLY $20 AND IT’S 6 YEARS OLD AND PEELING HERE AND HERE AND HERE, BUT STILL! HAHAHAHAHAH DOLCE AND GA-BLAH-BLAH!”
My New Friend: (throws shade and walks out of the bathroom without saying another word)
And again, I’m left standing with my arms over my head, shocked that I don’t have a new best friend.
Moral: There are two kinds of people in this world. There are the ones who compliment my dress and then smile politely when I shout, “IT HAS POCKETS AND WAS ONLY $10!” Then there are those who start jumping up and down and shouting, “I LOVE POCKETS AND $10!” That group? They are my soulmates. Every single one of them.