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A couple years ago, I belonged to a gym in Seattle. I went approximately none times. That’s not true, really. I went like five times. And then I realized I was paying $Much a month to drive by a gym and feel guilty all the time. So I quit the gym. It wasn’t easy. They kept forgetting I’d quit the gym and kept trying to take money out of my bank. Then, once my non-membership status was secured, they began calling me every few weeks, trying to woo me back. Finally I told the guy that I couldn’t come back to the gym.

Gym Guy: Why not?

Me: Because I moved.

Gym Guy: Where?

Me: To Australia!

Gym Guy: Whoa, that’s awesome!

Me: I KNOW! I LOVE IT HERE!

Gym Guy: It must be so nice. Wait, what time is it there?

Me: IT’S 4AM! I AM UP EARLY! BECAUSE I HAVEN’T ADJUSTED TO THE TIME DIFFERENCE.

(Note: Here is a thing you might not know about me — when I lie, I tend to shout. Seriously. Ask iWill.)

Gym Guy: Why did you move to Australia?

Me: I GOT MARRIED!

And the conversation pretty much just fell apart from there. I told him all about my whirlwind romance and super quick marriage and moving to Australia within 3 months of meeting my new husband. It’s awful, I know, but it totally worked. The gym stopped calling me.

Except now I live in West Seattle again. And that gym? My old gym? It is the only gym with a swimming pool. And maybe perhaps a little I’m toying with the idea of doing a triathlon SOMEDAY. And it was cheaper for a couple to join. So I had to rejoin the gym. So far, they haven’t said anything about Australia, but I get funny looks whenever I check in because there’s only one other person in their system with my same name and next to her name it says TERMINATED and I think the jig is almost up.

So, don’t lie, y’all.

Anyway, now I’m a member of the gym. And I am excited because this time I actually like exercising (what??) and will actually go (double what??). In fact, I went yesterday, even though it is technically still January and my off season. But I felt like and really wanted to try a spin class. So I changed into my workout clothes at work and bused my lazy ass to the gym.

Spin classes? SO HARD. And also, ow. I don’t want to get too graphic, because this is a family-friendly blog, considering my most avid readers are the parents of me and Will and my friends (hi Mama, David, Susan, and GranJan!). But LET ME JUST TELL YOU. Spin class is hard and I broke my mysteries. When I woke up this morning, I felt like just like I did at Burningman, when I had to ride my bike on bumpy, unforgiving playa for days. I whimper every time I move, y’all. Mostly because I’m a drama queen but also because my mysteries should have been treated with more respect and I’m sorry, okay?

But I went to Spin class and I cheered for myself the whole time.

Alida to Alida: YOU ARE DOING THIS! YOU ARE ON A BIKE! I DO NOT THINK THE BIKE FITS BUT YOU ARE ON THE BIKE! AND YOU ARE PEDALING! SURE, EVERYONE ELSE IS GOING FASTER BUT YOU ARE PEDALING! OKAY, NOW THEY ARE STANDING UP AND PEDALING BUT NO MATTER! YOU ARE STILL PEDALING, GIRL! CONFETTI!

I actually had fun, y’all. And I will be going back again and again because I want to do all the things everyone else could do. I will conquer that bastard bike!

In other news, I took a vegan break on Sunday because it was after my birthday and Ceci and Tim came to town to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch (starring my very favorite drag queen, Jinkx Monsoon, currently a contestant on this season of RuPaul’s Drag Race, isn’t she GORGEOUS???) and we were going to have brunch because EGGS. I decided a vegan break was a good reason to make the chocolate chip cookie recipe I’ve been coveting for the last few years. You guys. YOU GUYS. They did not disappoint:

I WANT TO MARRY YOU

They were delicious and rich and I could only eat one and a half before I gave up so I took the rest to work on Monday and let those guys deal with the butter.

I used the fancy chocolate, y’all. Like, crazy fancy.

All this week, I’ve been counterbalancing non-vegan day with smoothies galore. We got a new blender this weekend. I was so excited. We got home from joining the gym on Saturday morning and as we got out of the car, I saw a FedEx truck down the street and I just KNEW it was our blender and so I started running to meet the truck. And then the driver slowed down and I started jumping up and down and shouting, “THAT IS MY BLENDER I AM GOING TO MAKE A SMOOTHIE RIGHT NOW MY NAME IS ALIDA DOES THE PACKAGE SAY ALIDA??” The driver didn’t seem to share my excitement but probably that’s just because he didn’t know that I’m the greatest smoothie maker in the whole world.

LOOK AT THE GREEN

There’s spinach in there, y’all. And it’s SO GOOD.

So I pretty much drink these all day, every day. I make a gigantic pitcher in the morning and then take a gigantic cup of smoothie to work with me. It even has a special shaker ball. Which sounds vaguely dirty but it isn’t. It’s just a smoothie thing.

That is pretty much the update on My Life right now. Spin, smoothies, lying, cookies, vegan, non-vegan, drag queens OH AND ALSO I MADE FLATBREAD TONIGHT.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS

See that rosemary? It is fresh from our backyard. We have a gigantic rosemary bush growing. If you need rosemary ever, please let me know. Also, notice the flatbread in the background, the one I keep nibbling. iWill can consider himself lucky if there’s any left when he gets home from school.

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