First, I’d like to note I successfully kept my clothes on yesterday. This used to not be a big deal. But here we are.

Second, remember when I told you about iWill and the Ironman and the raising of the money for the Alzheimer’s Association? Would you like to know how that went? That went $2,849, that’s how that went. Awesome.

You guys were a wonderful part of raising that much money. So thank you and TAKE THAT, ALZHEIMER’S. In a minute, I’m going to tell you the breakdown of what your donations mean for my upcoming race schedule. First though, I’m going to tell you a story. So make yourself some tea, spike it with bourbon if that’s how you roll, and settle in for Pantsless Storytime.

Once upon a time, about 3 years ago, Slim and I were dating. Slim liked hiking and backcountry camping and being outside and walking. I liked eating delicious food, Netflix marathons in bed, and complaining about how my pants never fit right. If we had plans anywhere in our neighborhood, he would want to walk there. I would demand the route with the fewest hills. If a hill-less route didn’t exist, I would whine until he agreed to drive there. I was the best girlfriend EVER.

This is Slim. DO NOT BELIEVE HIS NICE FACE.

While Slim and I are no longer together, we have worked to create a comfortable friendship and we are able to talk honestly about the past and what we learned during our time together. Last week, I sent him an email to let him know about iWill’s Ironman/Fundraising (because Slim is very charitable). I also said this:

Also, sort of related and maybe a weird thing to say (though I’ve never been afraid to say weird things, obvs): I’m sorry I was so lazy when we dated. I was walking down to Broadway on Sunday and I changed my route so I could cover more big uphills and it struck me how different that is from how I used to be, when I would make us drive 3 blocks to avoid a hill. It can’t have been much fun for you and you were always really supportive. So I’m sorry for being lame, essentially. You can “get me back” through this challenge. 🙂

I hit the send button, expecting him to maybe donate at the 5K level, and felt very mature and smug about our good post-relationship friendship. We can still support each other and root for each other and we don’t wish bad things upon each other ever.

OR SO I THOUGHT.

About an hour later, I was chatting with iWill (who was whining about having a cold) and checking my email. That is when Slim’s donation came through. iWill also got an email. Here are our reactions in real time:

The rest of our conversation pretty much involved me whining and iWill laughing.

Then Slim and I had this conversation via email:

Me: HOLY FUCK.

Slim: YOU ARE A FREAKING WALL AND YOU CAN DO ANYTHING! And from my favourite, and most impactful-on-my-life Back to the Future quote, “It’s like the Doc always says, if you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything.”

Me: Thank you for your generosity, obviously. You are incredibly kind. And mean. And thoughtful. And HORRIBLE.

So this is happening, y’all. The formerly lazy, still whiny, usually pantsless heroine is running a freaking marathon all because her ex-boyfriend (who had to tolerate her laziness for nearly two years) donated money to charity and made it happen.

The moral of the story: you can be friends with an ex, most definitely, but you might want to have fewer exes who are evil geniuses.

Note: The exact marathon will be chosen in the weeks post-Ironman. Y’all will know when I know. And also I think I might still throw up.

Also, for those who are interested, here are the results of the Kick(start) My Ass Challenge:

  • 2 one-mile-sprints while wearing my Wonder Woman crown
  • 7 Training Runs with names painted on my face (and WW crown)
  • 4 5Ks (with flair)
  • 1 10K (with flair)
  • 1 Mutha-Fuckin’ MARATHON

Thank you all for your generosity. I am so glad to know all of you.

(But maybe not you, Slim. We’ll talk again after the marathon. In 2017.)

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