So my pants fell down. This we all know. But then yesterday? This happened:
Perhaps the idea of a rest day is intuitive or obvious to some people. But I’m a nanny, y’all. When I’m with the kids, we have THINGS TO DO. Like playing tag. Or cartwheels. And when Baby Girl asked me to teach her how to do a cartwheel, I couldn’t say no because that kid is diabolically cute. I did weigh the risks of the cartwheel. I mean, I was wearing a dress. I knew there was a 50% chance of showing my underwears to the entire zoo. BUT. I figured if I did a super fast, super awesome cartwheel, it would be over before people even knew what had happened.
Again, I need to buy clothing that fits. Because not only did the carousel crowd see my cartwheel abilities, they also saw my right Ability.
This and other recent events in my life got me thinking about things I am too stubborn to actually learn, as evidenced by the fact I keep doing them over and over and it never ends well and yet HERE I AM. So today I present to you:
Lessons I Should Have Learned By Now Because I MEAN REALLY.
(Alt: Get Your Shit Together, A.)
- When carrying many things to/from the car, make more than one trip. It is actually easier. I get this. Intellectually, I get this. But whenever I have to load/unload the car, my brain blitzes out and I suddenly believe I am actually a Sherpa, trained to load myself up with items and skip up a mountain. I AM NOT A SHERPA. I am actually clumsy and every time I try to be a Sherpa, I drop everything. Everywhere.
- When I wake up in the middle of the night and have to go to the bathroom, it would be much better to just get up and go instead of trying to go back to sleep convincing myself I don’t actually have to go. Instead, I spend hours falling asleep and waking up 15 minutes later. Lather, rinse, repeat, all night long. JUST GET OUT OF BED.
- Related: Don’t drink bedtime tea. That’s just asking for trouble.
- When tweezing my swarthy Italian eyebrows, it would be much better to not get distracted halfway through because inevitably I will glance in my rearview mirror as I drive away from my house (and my tweezers) an hour later and realize I only did one eyebrow.
- Beef jerky is not a proper dinner. Not even when balanced with seaweed snacks.
- KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON IN PUBLIC.
These are just a few of the lessons I’m trying to learn in order to earn my Congratulations! You Are An Adult! trophy.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be somewhere in Seattle, exposing myself to the masses. While I’m doing that, you should tell me what’s on your list of stuff you are too stubborn to learn. Make me feel better about myself through
judging supporting you!