(Spoiler alert: I have no idea who won.)
A couple weeks ago, I was heading out to work. I got into Susie Lightning, the vehicular love of my life, and began to back out of my parking spot in our garage. That’s when I saw it. The Spider. The Spider that was the size of my FIST. The Spider the size of my FIST on my driver’s side mirror. Just hanging out and looking at me all, “Hey yo. I’m a Spider. And I live right here. Whatevs.”
I kept my cool, y’all. You know, right after I screamed a little and scrambled to make sure my window was rolled up and locked tightly. I know he wasn’t really the size of my FIST but his mouth was closed. He probably had fangs. And tools. Tools that would have helped him bust into my car and eat my face while I was driving to work.
I calmed myself down by telling myself he would blow away while I drove. Sure enough, the next time I checked the mirror, he was gone. I’d survived and lived to take care of children another day.
Until three days later. When I saw him again. Same place, same time. Same ridiculous overreaction. So I had a conversation with him:
Me: Oh, hey The Spider. You are terrifying. And I’d like you to blow away.
The Spider: I know, right? I’m as big as your FIST. And I’m just chilling on your mirror, plotting your murder with my crazy spidery intelligence and secret window-breaking tools.
Me: Can we compromise on this?
The Spider: How so?
Me: Well, maybe you don’t blow away. Maybe you just chill in my mirror and we coexist peacefully.
The Spider: That could work. Except, you know, I’m a big ass spider. Can you really trust me?
Me: Considering my options are to either trust you or brush you off with my BARE HANDS, I can’t see that I have a choice.
The Spider: That’s true because the minute you put your hand out here, I’m going to be all, “DEATH BY SPIDER MASSACRE!!”
Me: Yup, that’s what I thought. Besties?
The Spider: Besties.
So that’s where the story should end. And it very nearly did end there, until the next week, when again I saw The Spider. I didn’t even freak out very much, guys. Just a little. Because we had a truce, right? So my life wasn’t in danger.
Or so I thought:
Me: Hey yo.
The Spider: ‘Sup?
Me: Not much. Heading to work. You?
The Spider: Nada mucho. Just hanging out in the mirror. I like to go live behind the mirror while you are driving.
Me: Oh, okay. So that’s why you aren’t blowing off when I drive.
The Spider: Yeah! AND! It’s the perfect place for me to lay thousands of spider baby eggs.
Me: MOTHER FUCKER.
That’s where shit got real, y’all. When I realized The Spider’s end game was more dangerous than I’d dared to imagine. He was going to lay a trillion spider eggs. And those tiny spider babies were going to grow to be the size of my FIST and then they were going to use their teeth and secret tools to break into the car and KILL ME DEAD.
I had to do something. And I’ll tell you right now that I realize my next move was a bit over-dramatic. I get that. But I panicked. And really, would you have done differently when your life was hanging in the balance?
My parking spot in the garage is right next to a concrete pylon. And as I was backing out of my spot, shaking because I knew my days were numbered, an idea formed. I put Susie Lightning in drive and ever so carefully SMACKED the mirror against the pylon.
The Spider held on.
So I threw SL into reverse and again, ever so carefully SMACKED the mirror against the pylon.
Still, The Spider held on.
(It was out for blood, y’all.)
At this point, I was beyond scared. I was mad. I was tired. I hadn’t had my coffee yet. And I was late for work. I had to get serious with this Spider, show it who was boss.
I threw SL into drive one more time and put my foot on the gas. The goal was to SMACK the pylon with slightly more force than the previous attempts.
The good news is that I surpassed my goal. The Spider was no more.
The bad news is the huge cluster of scratches all along the side of Susie Lightning.
And also, my bad.
I’m writing today to say I’m not sorry. I love my car and I’m sorry she had to sacrifice some paint and vanity to save my life. I had no choice then and I would do it again now if I had to.
Because Spiders are a vindictive bunch of bitches who will EAT YOUR FACE.
(Alida Moore: Good at not overreacting. At all.)