FBL: Heeey! I want to set you up with a friend of mine.
FBL: Yeah. I think you guys would get along really well. Are you interested?
Me: I don’t know. I’m in a weird place right now with dating.
FBL: What do you mean?
Me: Well, it’s like I have no energy for dating. This is going to make me sound awful but I really have no interest in getting to know a new boy.
FBL: Are you emotionally unavailable?
Me: I don’t know. Does “emotionally unavailable” mean I don’t care what you do for a living, I don’t want to know how many siblings you have or if you are close to your parents, I don’t give a crap about your hopes and dreams, I just want your tongue in my mouth?
Me: Then that is what I am.
“Romance at the DMV”
I got my new driver’s license yesterday. Finally. See, I hate parking downtown so I kept avoiding doing it. There’s a licensing place near my house but I can only go to them on Saturdays and then I’d wake up Saturday morning and go to brunch with Betty or toast with J instead. But yesterday! Yesterday I finally decided to hop a bus and head downtown and get my new license with my new name.
It was an adventure, y’all. In the 45 minutes I was at the licensing office, I overheard two 20somethings talking about cooking meth, a lady offered me pot and a swig from her flask, and a very old, very drunk, most likely crazy man sat next to me and told me I smelled lovely and that he wanted to marry me. And also he loved me. In Jesus’ name.
(I am now drunk, baked, engaged, converted, and considering a new career in chemistry.)
And my new license picture? Eeshk. The guy took my picture and it came up on his screen and he said, “Hm. It’s a little scrunchy. Do you want to take it again?” and I was all, “Nah, I’m sure it’s fine.” WHY DID I SAY THAT? If the DMV guy offers you a retake, you TAKE THE RETAKE.
So now I have a picture that looks like I’m both confused about what I’m doing but willing to smile fakely anyway. It goes well with my passport photo, in which I’m curling my lip, Elvis-style.
5) Baby Girl and I went to the aquarium last week and took a bus home. She charmed everyone by pulling down my shirt and shouting, “BOOBS!!” And then she charmed me when we got home because I asked her what song we should listen to and she shouted, “RENEGADE!!!” Baby Girl loooves Styx. And shouting.
4) I’m taking a break from coffee and am drinking jasmine green tea in the morning instead, prompting the guys at Neptune to worry and ask me 3 times this morning if I am sure I’m okay.
3) I wore one of my favorite dresses on Friday night. It has pockets. I had a dream last night it shrunk and now would only fit my sister (who is T-I-N-Y). I was heartbroken about this until just right this minute when I realized it had honestly only been a dream and I can still wear my favorite dress with pockets whenever I want.
2) Halloween plans are in full effect. The question is do I go as Like a Virgin Madonna or Like a Prayer Madonna?
1) I need a new karaoke jam. I’m torn between “Pour Some Sugar On Me” and “Cherry Pie.” Thoughts?