Dear Saturday Night,

Thank you for being so mellow. I had a great time with you, just hanging out, relaxing, watching Singles while we ate dinner. Thank you for helping me dye condition my naturally blonde hair. Oh, and the idea you had about watching Mamma Mia instead of going to sleep? Brillz. It made me want to move to Greece and sing songs with Meryl Streep. And also paint my bedroom bright blue. And go to the beach. And make out with a boy. (Especially make out with a boy.) It’s a magical movie. And you? Were a magical date.
Until next time,
Dear Boxes,
I avoided you for a long time because I was sad. Then I avoided you because I was lazy. But now I’m moving in 5 days and have to take you with me. So today? Today I made you my bitch.
Eat that, sucka,
Dear IKEA,
Thank you for the cute new duvet covers! The black and white one will be perfect for winter. The red and white one looks a lot like the quilt from Mamma Mia! I don’t know if you and Saturday Night talk at all, but that’s one of my favorite movies. So well done you! And for only $10!! A steal, IKEA. A steal. Sorry I had to rush through all your other departments. I wasn’t trying to be rude; I’m just broke. And also, the dog was getting panicky about the crowds. She’s been skittish since the fireworks, you see. Please don’t take it personally.
Also, I know I’ve talked shit about you before, about your cookie-cutter furniture and crowds that move SO SLOWLY. But today I realized that’s not your fault. You are just trying to be affordable. As a girl on a budget tighter than Riley Massey’s jeans in high school (ah, cowboys), I appreciate it. A lot. Tack sa mycket!!
Living larger than Riley Massey’s belt buckle in high school (seriously, COWBOYS!),
Dear Girls in the Parking Lot at IKEA,
Maybe you’ve never been in a parking lot before. Maybe you are new to parking lots in general? Or being in public? Or speaking to strangers? Whatever the case may be, please allow me to explain how the process of parking works:
1) When you are driving through a parking lot, it is totally acceptable to follow someone leaving the store as they walk to their car.
2) When you get to the car that is about to leave, it is perfectly fine to stop a little behind the car and put on your signal, letting other cars know you are calling dibs on that spot.
3) When the car leaves the spot, feel free to pull in and park. Also, give yourself a high-five for a job well done!
Please to understand you should not, under any circumstance, do the following:
1) While waiting for your chosen spot, you will notice people unloading their purchases into their car. It is not advisable to HONK and YELL at them while they are unloading a full cart. This will not inspire them to speed up. In fact, it will make one of them hobble slowly away on her spaceboot, pushing the unloaded cart out of the way. It will also make the other one, who is Miss D, start yelling back at you. If this happens, it is not advisable to tell her to “stop yapping,” as those words will only make her angrier, causing the girl with the spaceboot to corral Miss D back into the car before she goes all sassy-pixie on your ass.
2) Be a bunch of bitches.
Dear Texas,
Oh how I missed you this weekend. I missed your heat. I missed my hometown. I missed the festival on the square. I missed the 4th of July parade. I missed the food (SMOKED TURKEY LEG) and the fun and the people. I missed the fireworks over the lake. I missed the way the lake turns into a parking lot before the fireworks and the way we’d sit out on the dock, watching all the boats try to untangle themselves to get home. I miss my small town. I miss boys who wear cowboy boots without a stitch of irony.
I miss you. Just thought you should know.
Texas forever,
PS: Please to send me a cowboy to make out with?
Dear Seattle,
You are cold. You are rainy. You don’t do the 4th of July right.
But still. You are home.
Damp but not defeated,
Dear Universe,
Thanks for the love this weekend. You’re too good to me. I know I’ve been a little complain-y lately. I’m working on the gratitude. Promise.
Love you tons,