Actual Conversation with the Forever 21 Salesgal:


Tiny Waif Salesgal: Did you find everything you were looking for today?
Me: Yup! I needed some jeans and you had them! Well done!
TWS: (takes the jeans) OMG! Aren’t you glad we have jeans for big girls now?
Me: Pardon me??
TWS: You know! These new larger-sized jeans! Aren’t you SO glad we carry them?
Me: Um. Yes?
TWS: I’ve had a lot of bigger girls tell me how great they are. I hope YOU like them TOO! Have a great day!
Me: (opens mouth but nothing comes out)

Fantasy Conversation with the Forever 21 Salesgal:
Tiny Waif Salesgal: Did you find everything you were looking for today?
Me: Yup! I needed some jeans and you had them! Well done!
TWS: (takes the jeans) OMG! Aren’t you glad we have jeans for big girls now?
Me: GO TO HELL.
TWS: You know! These new larger-sized jeans! Aren’t you SO glad we carry them?
Me: GO TO HELL.
TWS: I’ve had a lot of bigger girls tell me how great they are. I hope YOU like them TOO! Have a great day!
Me: GO TO HELL.
Moral: It is amazing the abuse I will suffer for $15 jeans.
Once upon a time a few months ago, I had a babysitting gig at the Four Seasons in downtown Seattle. At the end of the evening, I was paid by the parents and quietly slipped out of the room, carrying my shoes so as not to wake the baby. I got to the elevator and, still holding my heels, decided to count my new cashmoney to see how much I made. I tried to fan it out with one hand but I’m ridiculous and clumsy and the bills went everywhere. I dropped my heels and got down on the floor of the elevator, crawling around to pick up my cashmoney.
It was at this point the elevator stopped on another floor and a business man got on. I may or may not have been on my hands and knees, barefoot, surrounded by cashmoney and high heels. I could tell I was definitely about to sprain my dignity, so I tried to salvage the moment. I looked up at him and said, very clearly, “He-e-ey!”
He politely nodded hello but his eyes clearly said, “PROSTITUTION WHORE.”
Moral: Who needs dignity when you have cashmoney?
Yesterday I took the Moo to the dog park. It was beautiful and sunny and I wore a t-shirt and my super soft jersey skirt. My super soft jersey skirt that might be a little loose (because SOMEONE is actually sticking to her plan and eating very well). I was reaching forward to pick up Moo’s ball and as I stretched my upper body, my super soft jersey skirt fell off. Like, OFF off. Around my ankles.
The man nearest to me said, “ACK!” A few other people laughed in sympathy and abject shock.
Also? There is no dignified way to pull up your skirt. Think about it. You either have to bend over (awkward) or crouch at the knees (AWKWARD).
Moral: Always wear your fancy underwears to the dog park. You’ll be glad you did.
I know I was.
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