Or, Why I Am Bad At Bones.
Podiatrist: What brings you in today?
Me: Well, I was walking in Boston when I felt a pop in my foot and then it started hurting.
Podiatrist: Did you hear a pop?
Me: No, felt. Felt a pop.
Podiatrist: How loud was the pop?
Me: No, FELT. I felt the pop. Like how you feel it when you stub your toe.
Podiatrist: You stubbed your toe?
Me: No! That was just an illustration of something else you feel. You also feel it when you smack your funny bone.
Then we took x-rays of my foot. And while we were waiting for those to develop, Dr. Podiatrist asked me to walk down the hall.
Podiatrist: I need you to walk down the hall for me.
Me: I’m going to over-pronate.
Podiatrist: I’ll be the judge of that.
Me: I’m telling you! A guy at a fancy running shoe store told me I over-pronate more than anyone he’d ever seen.
Podiatrist: Yes well. He just wanted to sell you shoes.
Me: You’ll see.
Walking down the hall
Podiatrist: You over-pronate more than anyone I’ve ever seen.
Looking at x-rays
Podiatrist: So it appears you have a stress fracture in your third blah blah.
Me: Weird! How did I get that?
Podiatrist: Probably overdoing it at the gym.
Podiatrist: saying something I cannot hear because I’m laughing too hard.
Me: No, seriously. How did I get that?
Podiatrist: Well, sometimes it can be from too much impact. Other times, people are just prone to stress fractures. I think you actually have two, by the way.
Me: For real?
Podiatrist: Yeah, this area (pointing to the fourth blah blah) as well. Maybe you are just prone.
Me: That makes sense. Because I stress-fractured my thigh bone in college.
(Note: Did I ever tell y’all that story? One day I decided to be a runner so I ran all over A&M, including up and down stairs. I did that for three days for 30 minutes each time. A couple days later, I couldn’t put weight on my right leg without it hurting. So then I told my friends I thought I’d broken my thigh bone. They were all, “Dude. That’s the biggest bone in your body. Drama queen.” and I was all, “No seriously guys. I think I broke my thigh bone.” And they scoffed and I went to the on campus doctor and got an x-ray and LO AND BEHOLD MY BROKEN THIGH BONE, BITCHES. I was on crutches for 3 months but it was worth it because I WAS RIGHT.)
Podiatrist: Yes, then. Considering your history of stress fractures, I’d say you are prone to stress fractures. Also, this didn’t happen in Boston. These have been there for at least a couple months. Has your foot been hurting?
Me: Yeah, I guess so. I just thought I was bad at having feet.
Me: So do I have to use crutches again?
Podiatrist: Nah, I’m just going to put you in a boot.
Me: That sounds expensive.
Podiatrist: Well, we’ll see what your insurance covers. BRB.
Five Minutes Later
Podiatrist: Good news! Your insurance covers everything!
Podiatrist: But you actually haven’t met your deductible so they won’t cover anything really.
Me: Wonder killer. So how much is a boot?
Podiatrist: We bill at $498.
Me: Yeah, no way that’s happening. What’s our plan B?
Podiatrist: There is no plan B.
Me: Well, I can’t afford the boot.
Podiatrist: You need it though.
Me: Look, unless you’re feeling extremely charitable, we need to work together to come up with a plan B.
Podiatrist: Give me three minutes.
Three Minutes Later
Me: Well? What’s our plan B?
Podiatrist: Here, I printed this out for you. I went online and found a boot for $60. Can you afford $60?
Me: I can make $60 work. Does the boot come in other colors? Or GLITTER??
Podiatrist: Sorry, just basic black. And do you promise me you will go online and order this boot the minute you get home? Because you really need it.
Me: I promise.
Podiatrist: Because you need it.
Me: I need it.
Podiatrist: Or else the stress fractures in your third and fourth blah blahs are going to break all the way through and then you’ll need surgery.
Me: Is surgery more expensive than $60?
(He might not have said Obvi.)
Me: Okay, fine. I will wear the boot. Can I still exercise?
Podiatrist: If you don’t overdo it again.
Podiatrist: You can do weight exercises, punching, the cardio bike and even swimming.
Me: Neat. Do you guys sell swimsuit-ready-bodies here?
Podiatrist: If we did, they’d be more than $500.
Me: Yeah, but that’s worth readjusting a budget. A girl has to have her priorities straight.
So there you have it. A couple of stress fractures in my third and fourth blah blahs. I’ve ordered my boot and it should be here by Friday. I’m very excited to cover it with glittery material ala my friend Boz and his glittery/leopard print sandals. The sad news is that I have a couple of events this month wherein I have to wear pretty dresses. But I’ll rock my dresses with my boot. My $60 boot. Seriously though, for that price it should be made of gold.
Oooh, maybe I’ll cover it in gold!