(As previously mentioned, the retrospective is on hold pending the scanning of my high school years and secret shame. I’m getting the rest of the pictures from my mom in two weeks while we are in Boston. So in the meantime, you guys will just have to deal with my words.)
First, a moment of prayerfulness for Bret Michaels. I know my previous life motto had me swearing I wouldn’t marry him but I wasn’t ready for that option to be taken away. I’m not prepared for him to succumb to anything other than the consequences of his fast lifestyle and love of loose women.
If he makes it through this, I’ll celebrate his life with a jaunt in promiscuity. Conversely, if the unthinkable should happen, I shall pay tribute to his legacy with a jaunt in promiscuity. The only thing that remains to be seen is if that promiscuity will be with men or women.
When I was in Houston, my friend Dizzle wanted to show us something on YouTube. So we had the following conversation:
Dizzle: Hey, can I borrow your laptop to show you guys this video on YouTube?
Dizzle: (Grabs the lappy and starts to surf the web)
Me: Oh! Hey. If you run into any internet history of girl on girl porn, just ignore it.
Dizzle and Everyone Else in the Room: WHAAAA?
Me: I was trying to see if I could be gay.
Me: Well, my friend April is a lesbian and I really like her. And she said we could be all Domestic Partnership-y and she works for Big Company with Good Benefits. So I wanted to see if I could make myself into a lesbian. Because then I’d be so happy with her! And also I lose my health insurance in October, so everything would be much easier! So I thought maybe if I saw some girl on girl action, it might tell me if I could ever switch teams. But you know what? I cannot. I cannot switch teams! It turns out my heterosexuality is not a choice!!
: I KNOW! I’ve always said homosexuality isn’t a choice and now I’m sure of it. Because I’M TRYING and NOTHIN’.DaEEitR
: No, it’s weird that you would try. Also, we think you just over-shared. That story was definitely TMI.
Me: Wait, seriously?
DaEEitR: Fo’ sho’.
Me: Oh. Oops.
(Sidebar: My friend April really is THAT awesome. When Slim and I broke up, even my mother was all, “Are you SURE you aren’t gay? Because April is soooo great.”)
So okay. Lesson learned. Can’t talk about my psuedo-Sapphic non-leanings in mixed company. Or even just regular company. Gotcha. And seriously guys, sorry!
Tonight though. Tonight my Seattle friends and I were all sitting around the coffee table, eating pizza and catching up on life. The subject of porn came up (like it does) and I told my story of my own personal quest for The Gay because I wanted to know if it really was over-sharing and weird. It appears it all depends on your audience. Not only did this group NOT think it was weird, they supported my curiosity and shared in my sadness that nope, I’m just a straighty straight straight straighty McStraighterson.
Them: Have you tried making out with a girl? Maybe you should make out with a girl.
Me: No, I haven’t tried that yet.
Them: Oooh, try that!
Me: But kind of that doesn’t sound like very much fun to me.
Them: Oh, yeah. You’re probably not gay then.
Me: That’s what I was afraid of.
Them: Don’t take it too hard. Sometimes people just aren’t gay.
Me: I know. I just had my hopes up.
Them: Maybe someday you’ll change your mind! Maybe you just haven’t met the right girl yet!
Me: Maybe! But April is pretty awesome though. If I can’t go gay for her, you know?
Them: Well, don’t give up! We’ll keep our fingers crossed for you!
I’m lucky to have such diverse groups of friends.
I’m less lucky to not be able to choose my sexuality.
But as my friend K said tonight, “You still have time! Sometimes people go gay during their mid-life crises!” And I was all, “LIKE MEREDITH BAXTER!” and she was all, “Yes! Ernest Hemingway’s grandaughter!” and then I was all, “Huh?” and she was all, “Oh, that’s Mariel Hemingway. Nevermind. She probably isn’t a lesbian.”
Probably not. But maybe it’s just because she didn’t try hard enough.
Keep your fingers crossed for me, guys!