My friend K has a wonderful tumblr site. (Over there on the links! Check it out!) I like to use the shuffle button for instant inspiration and I found this on Friday evening. It’s my new wallpaper on my lappy.
That’s the goal. That’s the hope. That’s how I will start to feel, more and more every day.
I’ve spent my weekend working on the final pieces of my application for the school of social work. I’ve written two essays of which I’m really proud; my friend Lisa is editing them as I type this. I worried about how I would find the strength to push through with this application. It’s hard to move forward on the things he and I had planned to do together. These plans are like little time bombs waiting for me with their sharp explosions of sadness and the tick tick tick I seem to always hear in the back of my head. The trip we were supposed to take together next week. The party I normally would have attended last night in the neighborhood that is now his turf. Tick tick tick…oof.
I’m going home next week. On Thursday morning (ridiculously early) my friend April will be coming to pick me up (because she loves me ridiculous amounts) and taking Maizie and me to the airport. And finally I’ll be home. Finally I’ll be able to crawl into my mother’s arms and cry. Finally I’ll be able to cocoon for a little while, hide away with my family, and focus on regrouping. There are sayings in my family. Face the facts…and deal with them. We are thoroughbreds. Release the doves. Drive on. You have the foot skills of a water buffalo. (Okay, maybe that last one doesn’t apply to a broken heart but still. We yell it a lot at each other.) I’ll regroup, I’ll breathe in and out, taking in the familiarity of my mom and Papa Leo, and just allow myself to be sad in a very safe environment.
I’ve been surrounded by wonderful friends. Linds calls every day from Texas to check on me. She encourages me to get out, try to find joy every day, and order things that will cheer me up from Amazon. Jason and MJ and Brady had me over for delicious vegan Chinese food (seriously delicious) and trashy television. Brunch with Miss D this morning. Tomorrow I get to see the lovely Erin A. for drinks at my new favorite neighborhood bar. We’re planning a costume extravaganza for SEAF in May. With lots of glitter and fake eyelashes because K says everything looks better through fake eyelashes.
It’s not so far off the mark, I think. One day at a time. One moment at a time.
And maybe a bag or two of Easter Peanut M&Ms. (Because the pastel tastes better than the primary colors. Did you know?)
Unlonely. Maybe if I say it enough, I’ll believe it.