Almost.

So yesterday was Mayday WeighDay. Because I was so lofty and enlightened for all those years, I do not own a scale. However, I live with a boy so that means I’m fortunate enough to own a Wii (by proxy). And the Wii has the Wii Fit. Which acts as a scale.

The upside to the Wii scale? Making my cute little Mii. She’s all decked out in black leggings and a kicky hot pink shirt and she’s positively adorable, with her cute little belly and her shiny brown hair. I heart my Mii very much. She’s so joyful when we hoola hoop.

The downside to the Wii scale? It breaks my spirit each and every time.

See, when you use the Wii scale as your means of measuring weight, you have to listen to the little cartoon Balance Board on your television. It’s so chipper and cheery and makes you think that losing weight and getting into shape is going to be SO EASY AND FUN! It draws you (by way of your cute and round little Mii) in and encourages you to face the music because together, TOGETHER, things are going to be okay! Hooray!

And then you step on the balance board and it goes like this:

Wii Cartoon Balance Board: Step on!! (cheery cheery ISN’T THIS FUN??)
Me: Okay! (Stepping on) I’m so glad to be doing this whatever with you, Wii Cartoon Balance Board! You are so cheery and I just know that you are going to be so supportive and understa–
Wii Cartoon Balance Board: OOOF.
Me: GO TO HELL.

So already it doesn’t start well. And it gets worse. It measures your body weight and BMI and then it stands your cute, precious, sweet little Mii up next to a bar graph. The graph shows Healthy, Overweight, OBESE. And it runs through numbers and you and your Mii are clutching hands and so excited to see the fruits of your labor (actually eating fruits instead of ice cream and laboring on a 7.6 mile hike with a 2800 FOOT ELEVATION GAIN) and see the number fall from the UNGODLY number you saw last week.

You guys. YOU GUYS. My number? Went UP by 2 lbs! UP. UUUUUUUU-PPPPPPPP!!!!!

Oh my word. And my Mii? My sweet, cute, kicky pink shirt and black leggings round little Mii? She and I both watched in abject HORROR as the numbers pushed our bar graph UP INTO THE OBESE RANGE. And then, before I could shield her from the damage, she started getting ROUNDER.

That’s right. Because I gained 2 effin’ lbs, my poor little Mii got fatter. And IT GETS WORSE. Not only did my sweet Mii blimp out a bit more, no, she also STARTED SWEATING.

You guys. I’m killing my Mii. I’m so terrified that if I gain another pound, she’s going to go numb in the left arm and her little sweet cartoon heart will EXPLODE ALL OVER THE PLACE.

I have no idea why my number went up. Go onto Gyminee! Go look at what I ate! I was good! I did exercise! I’m doing PUSHUPS. I hiked a muther-effin’ 7.6 miles!!!

And still I gain two pounds.

My roommate came home to find me prostrate on the floor, begging and pleading with the Wii Balance Board to have mercy on my sweet little Mii. Defeated and broken. Ready to dive into a pint of ice cream because WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT EVEN MAKE?

He then offered a small glimmer of hope. “Why don’t you,” he said, “go into my bathroom and use my scale? I’m guessing the Wii Balance Board isn’t the most accurate, especially on carpet.”

God bless him. He has good ideas and he averts his eyes when it’s so damn hot outside that I’m wearing tiny little scandalous shorts that nobody with my thighs has any business wearing.

Now, even though I know better (as by this time it was the afternoon and you NEVER, according to Toommate, NEVER weigh yourself in the afternoon. Toommate believes whole-heartedly that you must follow these guidelines for weighing in:

Toommates Guidelines for Weighing In and NOT Killing Yourself:
1) Weigh yourself first thing in the morning.
2) Weigh yourself dry and NEKKID.

But I was desperate. I wanted so badly for those 2lbs to be a fluke of Nintendo and not an accurate representation of my sad, pathetic body. So I rushed into the bathroom of Steenis and stepped on his scale. And let loose with a string of profanities the likes of which I usually reserve for that stupid bitch Delilah (the one on the radio. The horsefaced you-know-what dragon. I hate her. HATE.).

You see, The Scale of Steenis showed my weight at 193. THAT IS ALMOST 200LBS. And it is 6LBS MORE THAN I WEIGHED LAST WEEK.

Shudder. Cringe. Die.

I declared myself officially broken up with food and emailed my guy and Urmy in tears, swearing to never eat again.

Then Slim came home from work and took me out for sashimi and a popsicle.

And then I felt better. Because protein will do that to you, y’all.

This story doesn’t end so badly. This morning, after a 5 mile walk, I weighed myself again, this time dry, nekkid, and praying to the Scale of Steenis for a reprieve. 189.4. Still more than last week but better than yesterday.

So you know, this is why I don’t usually weigh myself. Because now I’m FACING THE MUSIC. And I’m killing my Mii. And I’m not even killing her softly with my song. I’m killing her slowly with my affinity toward the delicious and my utter loathing for any sort of physical activity that could even resemble exercise.

But I’m determined. I will not let the Evil Wii Cartoon Balance Board defeat me. I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED.

I will just start bribing the Scale of Steenis.

Yeah, that should do the trick.

Please, someone come over and save my Mii from Mii-self.

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