Vi. O. Lated.

You know, you live your life in a bubble sometimes. You go about your day, clueless to the evils in the world, oblivious to the darkness that threatens to smash your bubble of sunshine and joy.


It happened a little over 2 weeks ago. Slim and I had just finished our last improv class and were going to celebrate by watching Indiana get all Adventuresome. We enjoyed the stroll to my car, chatting about the final class and talking about how fun it would be to see such a late movie with our rad friends. Clueless. Oblivious. Pretty, but essentially naive about how our world was about to be shattered.

We get in the car. The first thing I realize is that the front passenger side is a mess. Now. This is not an unusual occurrence in my car. So I looked at Slim and said, “I’m sorry it’s so messy. Evidently the glove box fell open! Weird!”

(And the naivety continues…)

So Slim begins to put the fallen items back into my glove box. And I begin to settle into the driver’s seat. And I realize the middle console is tipped backwards and open. So I say to Slim: “Weird! I guess that fell open too! Huh!”

(Pretty, but dumb.)

As I turn around toward the backseat and begin to put things back into my middle console, I notice the window is open. So I think to myself, “Oh, weird! I must have left it down! That’s not smart in the city of Seattle!”

(Oh wait, no. Pretty dumb.)

THEN I see the glass all over the back seat. And then my brain starts to do some maths.

My brain: So there’s glass. Weird. And wait, the middle console really couldn’t *fall* open. Huh. And I guess I would have noticed the glove compartment fall open while I was driving. Hm. And there’s GLASS on the back seat…OOOOOH!!!

And out loud: OOOOOOH!!

And then me and Slim together: OOOOOOH!!!!!

(It’s a good thing I’m this pretty.)

(And in Slim’s defense, I think he realized at the Middle Console Component of this.)

Now, I’ve never experienced a break-in before. And I’ve kind of always wondered how I would handle something like that. I kind of always thought I would cry. I’m happy to report that I did zero crying. Instead, as Slim and I began to inventory the items in my car (which is…tricksy…as my car is usually…heavily inventoried…to say the least), I felt incredibly calm. I called the police and reported the incident, and was told someone would call me back in the next hour to take my statement, so could I please have a list of the items taken, if any.

Yes. Yes I could.

Here is what was taken from Susie Lightning:
-A red, curly-haired wig (belonging to Miss D), that was destined for Goodwill.
-An old flip phone, circa 1995 (awesome and has been in the glove compartment of every car I’ve ever owned)
-Japanese Gummy Candy, muscat-flavored, given to me by the lovely Erin Dean
-My video iPod

I will pause here so y’all can weep.

Go ahead. It’s okay to cry.

I’m sad about the gummy candy too. I mean, muscat y’all. MUSCAT.

So Slim and I clean up as much of the glass as we can and decide that a little bit of a break-in would NOT stop Indy, so off we went to our movie. And it was sitting in the theater, waiting for things to begin, that I got my call from the police.

Me: Hello!
Police: Hi! I’m calling to take your statement about a break-in?
Me: Yes. That’s me. I had a break-in!
Police: Okay. Can you tell me where this happened?
Me: Yes! It happened at my improv class!
Police: And…where is your improv class?
Me: Oh, yeah! Hee! Duh! Because you don’t know!
Police: Right…
Me: Seattle Center. Parking lot by Mercer.
Police: Okay. And did you see the person/s who did this?
Me: Nope!
Police: Do you have any idea who might have done this?
Me: Nope!
Police: And was anything taken from the vehicle?
Me: Yup!
Police: Please list each item.
Me: Okay! First, they took a red curly-haired wig. Then they took an old flip-style cellular phone (from like 1994 or so). They also took my gummy candy Erin Dean gave me. It’s Japanese. Muscat flavored. And they took a video iPod.
Police: Okay…approximate value of the…wig?
Me: $2.99?
Police: And the…cell phone?
Me: Priceless, really. A conversation piece. Let’s say…$5?
Police: And the iPod?
Me: Um…(looking at Slim and mouthing, “What’s my iPod worth?”) $400?
Police: Okay, wonderful.
Me: You forgot the gummy candy that Erin Dean gave me.
Police: Oh, right.
Me: Muscat flavored.
Police: Yes. How much was the gummy candy Erin Dean gave you worth?
Me: Our friendship. $3.50.
Police: Great! Now I’ll give you a statement number and you will give this to your insurance company and they can help you from here!
Me: Thank you for being so wonderful.
Police: My pleasure!
Me: And what was your name?
Police: I’m Operator 104.
Me: Thank you so much, Operator 104. I’ve really enjoyed our conversation.
Operator 104: Have a good night, ma’am.

So I talked to my insurance and my renters’ insurance would cover the loss. BUT. My deductible is $250. Total value of items taken? $249.

This is why we call my life a comedy of errors.

In conclusion, I’m writing to say that I’m not sad this happened. I’m actually a little bit in love with whoever did this. I imagine him/her walking around Seattle, wearing the red wig, pretending to talk on the phone, while eating Japanese gummy candy (muscat flavored) and admiring my taste in music on my iPod. And I kind of want to be that dude’s friend.

I’m actually fascinated by this dude. Because while he/she took all of those things, he/she left the following:

-A record player (which is now safely in my home)
-My fire extinguisher (also safely in my home now)
-Trivial Pursuit, Totally 80s (blah blah safely in the house)


I keep forgetting this *wasn’t* a prank played on me by my silly friend. I keep thinking it’s just a funny joke. Then I remember the smashed window and I think, “Oh, too far, my friend. Too far.” And my funny friend becomes a chump in a red wig.

It ends well though, friends. Erin Dean had more gummy candy.

Muscat flavored.