I’m boarding a plane to go to Atlanta in like 2 minutes, but here’s a funny conversation to entertain you until I post my next story about Why I Hate Comcast (The Legend of the Bath Mat).

This conversation happened between me and Jon a couple weeks ago at like 12:30am.
Celerale is an awful celery flavored drink. Just so you know.

Enjoy:

me: when you are having a heart attack
does your right arm go numb
or your left arm?

Jon: left, methinks?

me: oh
hm

Jon: no, right

me: um
oh okay then
WHEW

Jon: haha, why?

me: because on the elliptical (which is still nameless)
my left arm started going numb
I had shooting pains up and down and my fingers stopped working
so I kept going and just kept thinking how I’d come upstairs when I was finished playing to ask you
also, I thought about how it was too bad I’d left my phone upstairs
and then I wondered what would happen if I did have a heart attack
and then I started explainign to Maizie things she could do to save me
all while continuing to play
my typing is atrocious because my left hand is esentiall yuseless

Jon: is your left hand still not working? you’re typing pretty well considering!

me: it’s iffy

Jon: what sort of things did you explain to maizie?
if you did have a heart attack I would buy you a whole can of macaroons (yup, they come in these big cans) to make you feel better

me: both arms feel asleep

Jon: can you move them?

me: yes
they just feel funny

Jon: ok, good
i was getting a little worried for a sec

me: it feels very strange

Jon: has this happened before?

me: nope!
brand new infomration
it’s interesting
because my legs are doing it too
they just joined the party

Jon: hmmm

me: I’m like a scientific anamoly
anomaly
i have no idea

Jon: at least they won’t feel left out
maybe you should lie down
drink some cold water

me: these are good ideas
because also a little bit my chest is hurty
if I die right now, you can have my vinyl On Avery Island
print out this chat
as proof

Jon: thank you, but it owuld make me very sad to listen to it, so i could never buy a record player

me: that’s okay; it’s still in plastic
but you could also have the record player in the back of the car!!
it’s on loan from my friends crissy and darren
but if you make a big scene about how it’s the last piece of me you have
they won’t make you give it back
and then SCORE, FREE RECORD PLAYER

Jon: i’d feel like you’d be asking me “where you’ll find me now” from heaven, and then I would have to say, “nowhere” — and that would make me sad
but yes, FREE RECORD PLAYER!

me: hee
ooh, weird
want to know my newest symptom?

Jon: i do

me: now it looks like someone is playing with a dimmer switch in my room
like, it goes bright and then dimmer
and then brighter and then dimmer

Jon: oy
have you drank water yet?

me: yes

Jon: how about celerale? have you had some of that yet?

me: I always have a bottle by the bed
no, I have not
as I don’t think the cure for a heart attack is Pure Evil
call me homeopathic
naturopathic
nonceleraleopathic

Jon: you naturohomeoceleralehaterpath, you

me: nice use of ‘oy’ btw

Jon: are you getting better? worse? staying the same?

me: my hearing sounds like I’m in a tunnel
and maizie just almost suffocated on a blanket
which is unrelated
but she glared at me when she woke up

Jon: and then did you say that only one of you two can die at a time?

me: my limbs are still all numbe/sleepy
yes, I told her to quit trying to steal my thunder
so she turned around and faced the wall
drama queen
I am blinking a lot
not sure if that’s related
because now I’m crossed over into the hypochondriac afraidi’mgonnadiesoon stage of this weird illness
well, there’s a bit of a pain when i take a breath
but I’m sure that’s fine
our bodies are designed that way so we don’t take breathing for granted

Jon: once adam (of adam and eve) complained about hurty breathing, and god was like, “there are rocks that don’t breathe half as easily as you!” and then adam said, “so send my breaths to the rocks!” and god said, “you’re impossible!”
how numb are your limbs? like if you were to poke your hand with a fork, would you not feel it? or they just feel funny?

me: hee
I like your bible story
they just feel funny

Jon: it’s a classic

me: like, pins/needles sort of
I’m great at nailing my symptoms

Jon: aaaah, i feel like that’s a better kind of numb

me: yeah
me too
if I were really worried, I’d be having this conversation with 911
no offense to you
but you don’t have ambulances at your beck and call

Jon: pfff, i could if i wanted to
i’m a pretty influential guy
i make one call, and i’d have ambulances rushing to you

me: hee
okay, I feel really yucky
so i think I’m going to go to bed
I’m sorry this ENTIRE conversation has been about me
I’m just self-aware enough to feel bad

Jon: haha
don’t!
it’s like improvising and being given suggestions
all the conversation about you makes it easier on me!

me: hahaheee
nice
goodnight, sir
(if I survive to the morning)

Jon: for me it’s a win win

me: (if not, hit a home point for me on opening day)

Jon: either i keep having an awesome friend
or i get a record!

me: ha
FREE RECORD
night!!

Jon: ‘night, madam!

TEN MINUTES LATER…

me: I fixed my problem!
(the dying thing)

Jon: thank golly! how’d you do that?

me: roast beast
I realized I hadn’t eaten since 1pm
and that’s not okay when you play on an elliptical
so I had some roast beast and a small piece of bread
and WALLAH
much better
vision returned, limbs became aware

Jon: just like that, huh?

me: pretty quickly; I’m still a bit shaky
but I washed my face and actually only my left arm is numb now
but the vision thing is all cleared up
which is good cause that was weird

Jon: yeah
i’m glad to hear you’re almost all better
and good call on the food

me: hee

Jon: how self aware of you!

me: HA
thank you
okaygoodnightreally!

Jon: reallyreallyreallygoodnight!

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