Three years ago, I wrote this: Venetia

And for the last 3 nights, I’ve dreamed about her, about the wreck, about everything. Does this mean I haven’t let go? Or maybe I just miss her? And does letting go mean that I have to forget her?

How have I not figured this out yet? It’s been almost 10 years. 10 years since I curled up on the ground in front of the tree and cut my knee on the glass from the wreckage. The scar is faded, but visible, 10 years later.

In the dream, I’m sitting at a table with a cup of tea. She’s sitting across from me. We don’t say anything. And then she opens her mouth and all this smoke starts pouring out, the rancid smoke from the wreck. It is dark and rank and the room fills up and I can’t see her anymore and then I wake up crying. And I smell the smoke for a long time after I wake up.

How do you say you’re sorry? Where can I go from here?