So you know those Sylvan Learning Center commercials where the kid gives the mom a report card as a birthday gift, and the mom gets all teary and weepy and says something sappy like, “Oh Thomas! This is just what I ever wanted!!” while the dad simpers all over the place and the sister looks on with this loving pride in her eye? I hate those stupid commercials. If I were that mom I’d be all, “Yeah great. I’m glad you got a B in math. But you know something? You have no job, I hardly make you do any chores at all, so really, is a decent math grade too much to ask for? This is the lousiest freaking birthday present ever. Later for your report card. You get no cake until I get a real birthday gift, you ungrateful little bastard. I was in labor with you for over 27 hours. Come back when you can pony up a real gift like some perfume or bubble bath or something. This crap was cute when you were 7. You’re 14 now, pally. Get with the program.”

And you know the sister isn’t at all proud of her brother for his good grades. She’s all, “So what? I get good grades anyway so I have to come up with a real gift? I’m ten years old, for freak’s sake. But if I tried to wrap up my report card? Yeah right! Nope, I have to actually find Mom a decent gift, like that crummy necklace from the dollar store. Now can we forget about your cheapass gift and cut the stupid cake already?”

I just really hate that commercial. And I guess I thought I’d come out of hiding to say so. I have other stuff on my mind, but I just don’t even know how to go about getting it all out. I will say this: I spent over 3 days in bed eating nothing but soup. How the hell is it that I get out of bed and feel like I’ve *gained* 10 pounds? Stupid soup. Stupid bed. Stupid everything.

Blah blah crabbycakes. Later for all of this.