“Don’t kiss nasty boys.”–Toommate.

Yeah, so that Toommate quote really doesn’t have anything to do with living alone, but I thought of it when I typed the title, and it made me laugh, so I put it in. Toommate says a lot of funny stuff. Another good one was, “There are a lot of things in life that are better than being hit by a bus.” Word, Toommate. Word.

ANYWAY. This weekend was Girly Weekend 2005, and I will be posting stories and pictures later. Let me just say now that it was good times with fun girls and MargAlidas. There was also Truth or Dare-In-A-Box.

In our discussions this weekend, we discovered that the majority of us are mega-ultra-out-of-control cautious when it comes to being by ourselves in our apartments or houses. Even the Marrieds tend to worry when they are by themselves for a little while. I heard stories about not taking showers when Husbands are gone, not drying hair when Husbands are gone, and making Husbands get up 2 times to check that the garage door is down. The name of the game, apparently, is Caution.

I play another game, it would seem. The name of my game is Act First, Realize You Are in a Dangerous Situation Just a Few Seconds Later. It’s a lot more exciting, and I don’t have to get out of bed as much. Sure, Stranger Danger is more imminent in my life, and yes, maybe I’ll get my fingers and toes chopped off by some psycho fingers and toes taking weirdo, but at least I can stay snuggled in my bed without paranoia.

Now, I’m not endorsing Act First, Realize You Are in a Dangerous Situation Just a Few Seconds Later. (Perhaps I should endorse a shorter name though. Hm.) Let me tell you a little story, dear friends, that will show you what a risky little game Act First, Realize You Are in a Dangerous Situation Just a Few Seconds Later is. (Yeah, seriously about that name.)

Once upon a time, I lived in College Station two years ago with Martha and Aaryn. Aaryn is the funny girl from the conversation just below this entry. We lived in a lovely apartment in the Land of Scandia. Aaryn and Martha both went away for Christmas break that year, but I stayed to keep watch of the Apartment in the Land of Scandia. I enjoyed being on my own because I could walk around naked and save money by keeping the heater turned completely off. Suffice to say, walking around naked happened a lot less than I thought it would, as. . .well, anything I say next would be crude because it would have to do with nipples and cutting glass and whoops!

One day, the beautiful girl Alida arrived home from work in a very cheery mood. See, Alida’s friend Jack the Friendly Buddhist was going to come over to keep Alida company, and Alida was very excited about this, as she’d been alone in the Apartment in the Land of Scandia for many days and had begun talking to the appliances. She feared that she might name them. (And she just realized she’s speaking in the third person. Yes, she knows how obnoxious that is. Please forgive her.)

Anyway. I was sitting on my couch, looking around at all of the Mess. I tend to be messier when I’m on my own, just because I *can*. There was a knock at the door, and as I walked to open it, I had no idea I was about to make Mistakes That Could Cost Me My Life. Nuh nuh nuh nuh!!

Mistake One: I opened the door without checking the peep hole. Wrong. So wrong. See, I assumed that the person at the door was Jack the Friendly Buddhist. Assuming this led me to make an Ass of myself, but not U, so no worries there. It was not Jack the Friendly Buddhist. It was a random boy of about 22 years of age.

The Random Boy told me he was selling newspapers to help his little brother with a fundraiser. I like children. I like newspapers. I like fundraisers. I also had a big gigantic Target sign on my head, one that probably said Sucker in the center. I was this boy’s dream sale. There was another time in my life when a newspaper subscription got me into trouble. I can’t say no to these things. It’s a compulsion, I guess. So Random Boy told me about the fundraiser, and I stood in my doorway, shivering because the heat was off and Random Boy was letting all the cold air in. This change in climate (and my own Cluelessness) led to a quick sucession of mistakes.

Mistake Two: As we stood in the doorway, and as I got more cold, it occured to me that I was being very rude. Observe what happened next:

StupidAlida: Omigosh. It is really cold, isn’t it? Here, just come inside and tell me about the fundraiser.

(Yes, I know. I know.)

So Random Boy comes *into* my apartment and kind of looks around. I follow his gaze over the dishes, across the ironing board, and to the stack of books on the table. The mistakes began piling up.

StupidAlida: I’m sorry about the mess. I tend to get messy when I’m here all by myself. (Ding! Mistake Three!!) See, my roommates are gone, and they aren’t coming back for two more weeks, so I technically don’t have to clean yet. (Ding! Mistake Four!). So I just let things pile up. . . .StupidAlida trails off as she realizes that her big mouth has just shot herself in the foot.

See, the above few sentences is what I said. This is what Random Boy (were he a Dangerous Stranger) could have heard:

EasyTargetGirl: Blah blah messcakes. I’m here all by myself. Blah blah roommates. I’m here alone for two weeks. Please knock me down and violate me and take everything I have. And then make me buy a newspaper.

Yes, I realized (a few moments too late, I might add) that I had just done a very stupid thing. Not only did I invite a random boy into my aparment (totally positioning him between myself and the only way out), I had also let him know that I was alone and vulnerable. I wish I could tell you this story was just a Public Service Video for a How Not to Be a Victim Class, but I can’t.

So as are the rules of the Act First, Realize You Are in a Dangerous Situation Just a Few Seconds Later game, I had to quickly save my own life. I bought a freaking $30 subscription just to appease the MaybeKiller and quickly shuffled him out. Then I sat on my sofa and had a little conversation with myself.

Alida to Alida: Moron.

So there you have it. Now, don’t get all mad at me. This was two years ago and I’ve learned my lesson. I know now to look through the peep hole and to not tell random people whether or not I live alone. I also don’t let random people in.

But maybe my story can help you somehow. I’m guessing it just confirmed what you already knew about me, you know, how I’m not the brightest crayon in the box, but you never know.

I’m so embarassed. Go ahead. Mock at will.