Ah yes. She runs. Here, I’ll give you a moment to get over the shock.
Over it yet? Okay, good. And let me tell you, running isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Sure, it’s hella good for your heart; yeah, it’s good for your muscles; meh, it’s reduces bootyliciousness; whatever, blah blah blah. Running is fine and dandy on its own. But when Running and NonDating collide, there are many casualties. Observe:
Our scene opens Tuesday evening. A lovely, bright, humble girl sits quietly in Barnes and Noble, studying. For real studying. Not just sitting with a fun book pretending to study but actually studying! Sorry. Got off track for a sec there. ANYWAY. Obviously, *I* am the lovely, bright, humble girl. So later for third-person. I’m sitting in B&N, studying like a mofo, when the lovely strummy strummy la la of my cell phone playing Here Comes the Sun blasts through the low murmur of people talking. All it took was one ringing cell phone and I went from being “Humble Beauty” to “that girl” faster than you can say “obnoxious cell-out.”
Well, there was a Someone on my phone. And the Someone was celebrating a birthday, which was quite exciting. And no, I did not sing, as we all know that the Someone’s birthday would be much happier if it didn’t include any singing from me. So in discussing plans for the Someone’s birthday, the Someone decided that he wanted to go running. Completely normal. No problems there, right? Until the Someone also decided he wanted to go running with me.
Jigga what?!? Numbah one, I barely run. I try hard, but I just more scoot and jog slowly. Numbah two, what happened to doing dinner and a movie!?!? Numbah three, yikes. Just. . .yikes. I realize you guys might be getting sick of all this dialogue, but suck an egg because it’s my blog and 2 of you read it, so I can put in as much dialogue as I want! Thus the booyah in my name.
The Someone: Yup. Running. I think that would be fun, if you came up here and we went running together!
Alida: Hee. Remember that time you thought I was going to go running with you? That was so cute.
The Someone: Why not?
Alida: Because right now you have an image of me in your mind. You can imagine me running and see a girl who has perfect form, who never trips, who doesn’t gasp for breath, and who doesn’t have to slow to a walk every two seconds. It’s a better image. Let’s stay with that one.
The Someone: (gearing up for a cheap shot) Well, all I know is you said we could do whatever I wanted for my birthday. And so for my birthday, I want you to go running with me.
Alida: (dumsquizzled) Noooo. Are you *kidding* me? You are actually playing the birthday card with running??
Yes, that is just what he was doing. Jerkface. So what was I supposed to do?? I was faced with a situation that had spiraled very quickly out of my control, and saw no way out. So I agreed. Damn it to hell, I agreed.
Inner Dialogue of Alida: I AM INSANE!I have actually just agreed to go running with a Someone. Running. He said it’s what he wants for his birthday. I told him fine, but he has to remind himself that I warned him of these key factors:
-I get huffy and puffy when I run.
-I get sweaty; not glowy, sweaty.
-I trip and stumble when I run.
-I’m slow slow slow slow slow.
-I run like a duck. A freaking duck.
If he calls me after this outing, it will be a miracle. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING!?? I don’t run with anyone! Running is something I do all by myself, later in the evening when the park is emptyish and I can be on my own! I don’t even run with Toommate!!!! I don’t want to do this!!!
The next step was leaving Barnes and Noble and running straight to Toommate, freaking out.
Alida: (Pulling at my hair) WHAT AM I DOING!??!
Toommate: Calm down, Leeds. It’s not a big deal. You’re a good runner. And it’s okay that you go slow. He just wants to run with you. It’s not the end of the world.
Alida: (All in one long breath) But I can’t breathe when I run! I huff and puff and hyperventilate! And you know how when you run, you get all this extra saliva in your mouth? And so you have to spit a lot? How can I do that if I’m running with someone! Toommate, I don’t even run with you! I CAN’T SPIT IN FRONT OF ANYONE!!
Toommate: (very Judgy McJudgerson) You spit while you run?!?!
Alida: (turning red) Um. No. Nevermind. Do you have a tshirt I can borrow?
Oh yes. I had to wear running clothes. I think we all know that running clothes are *not* cute. And I love my grandmother very much, but I inherited quite the. . .um, what’s a delicate way to put this. . .quite the ya-yas from her. Seriously. So I have to wear this industrial strength sports bra that welds my girls together like an ultra-mega-unichest. The Unichest that Took Over the World!! (Coming soon to a theater near you!) But I have no choice! It’s the only way to keep from having my chest scream, “YA YA!” with every step I run!!
And you can’t wear makeup when you run. If you do, your sweat mixes with the makeup and you get zits. Bleh. Nobody wants that. So I had to show up on the Someone’s doorstep in ratty running clothes, with a Unichest that threatened national security, and no makeup. Oh, and I put my greasy hair in pigtails. You know, just to make the whole scenario *that* much better. Good times. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it eleventy billion times more before I die: HOW IS THIS MY LIFE!?!?
As I drove to his house, I told myself to use the adrenaline I was feeling to run circles around the Someone. Raise your hand if you think that worked.
(Yeah, I see no hands. In fact, I see you all sitting on your hands. Thanks for nothing.)
But you know what? The running bit? It didn’t go too badly!! It was really funny. We got to the running trail and he was all, “Ready?” and I said,”Sure! But I’m slow!” and he said, “No problem! Let’s go!” and proceeded to SPRINT off! I just giggled and kept at my normal turtle-like pace. He ran for about 7 seconds, realized I was no longer beside him, and started laughing.
And then he did something really funny. The Someone tried to ask me open-ended questions while we ran. I’m running along beside him, doing my damnedest (love that word) to not hyperventilate from nerves/exertion/poor lung capacity, and he’s just chattering all over the place.
The Someone: So, blah blah blah open-ended question?
Alida: Um (puff puff puff) hm (huff puff huff). . .
Alida’s Lungs: MERCY!!!! MERCY!!!
Alida’s Knees: Creak. Creak. Creak.
Alida’s Breath: huffpuffhuffpuffhuffpuffhuffpuff!!!
Alida’s Salivary Glands: Bwahahahahaha!!!
Alida’s Heart: (beating like mad mad mad) I’ll quit right now. Don’t think I won’t!! I ain’t scared of you!!!
Alida’s Lungs again: Beeyotch!!! WE CRIED MERCY!!!! Cracka, please!!!
So yeah, the Someone kept up most of the conversation while we ran. And then when I got tired of running (after an embarrassingly short amount of time), we power-walked. We did about 2 miles total. Unless it only felt like 2 miles, and we really did 30 feet. No, we went for about 20 minutes. Stupid Someone who bikes eleventy billion miles every week and has freakish and amazing lung capacity. He tried to help me with my breathing, but I kept laughing.
Speaking of breathing, I learned something else about running with a Someone (any someone) that is different from running all by myself. When I run by myself, Toommate loans me her ultra-rad CD player that doesn’t skip. So I’m running with Dave, Ben Folds, ELO, Heart, Fatboy Slim, and Guns N Roses. They are great running buddies, as they are loud. So loud, in fact, that they drown out the sound of my breathing. Which is also loud, apparently. As we ran, I became painfully aware of how loud my breathing truly is.
National Association of Girls who run with Someones: Oh. My. Gah. Do you hear how loud you are?! Girl, slow down your breathing! You sound like an 80-year-old man who has smoked since he was a zygote!!! Slooooow. Slow. It. Down.
Alida’s Breathing: HUFFPUFFHUFFPUFF DEEEEEEEP BREATH HUFFPUFF!!!
National Association of Girls who run with Someones: You know what? Just stop breathing. Completely. Yes, we are aware that you will die, but we think that’s better. In fact, we are sure of it. And please never contact us again, as you make a mockery of all Girls who run with Someones.
Alida’s Knees: You know what? We are tired, too. We want to quit. We took a vote, and if you don’t quit this mess RIGHT NOW, we are going to join forces with your legs and turn to jello. Don’t think we won’t!!!
Believe it or not, I actually made it. Sure, my knees don’t make idle threats, and I thought I was going to fall down in his house, but I made it. And I’m stronger for it.
And I’ve learned 3 valuable lessons:
1) If I can make it through running with a Someone, I can make it through anything. Bring me on some of that tribulation! Bring it on!! (Not really. Just kidding, Tribulation. Stay chill where you are, please!)
2) I’m damn glad the Someone’s birthday is over and he can never play that card again. Because it will be a long long long long loooooooooong time before this chick goes running with anyone. ANYONE!
3) I have no 3, but I believe all good lists are threefold. We’ll have three be that I’m pretty. Ah yes, always a nice way to end.
Mood at the Moment: Cozy, ’cause of the rain.
Music at the Moment: Blink-182!!! Old school Cheshire Cat. I had a craving!
EPILOGUE!!!! READ THIS BIT!!
So I just got back from running all by myself. Definitely ran 2.5 miles WITHOUT STOPPING. I finally figured out the breathing thing. I feel like a hoss, and yet there is a small part of me that wonders why I couldn’t have done this the other night.
Oh, and this is good. I definitely sprinted the last bit, and when I got to my car, I was panting and wheezing. I thought I was by myself, so I was wheezing out, “I did it! I did it!!”
TOTALLY NOT BY MYSELF. Now, again, I am “that girl.”