A rest for broken things too broke to mend.” -John Mansfield
I’m not sure why I’ve decided to tackle this subject right now. For one thing, it’s only 5:30 in the afternoon. This is the first time I’ve even written in this before midnight. I don’t know, maybe it’s the weather. Most of you would call this crummy weather, but I love it. It’s 53 degrees outside, gray and rainy, and I don’t know, I can just…feel it. I can feel it deep inside. I love this changing weather, which is one reason I would love to live outside of Texas someday. Now, lest you think I’m hatin’ on Texas (and yes, you can laugh at me for using “hatin'” like that…or at all), understand that I’m not. I’m sure that if I thought long enough, I would think of some reasons why I like living in this state. I’m not going to, but I’m sure I could. Toommate gets upset when I say I don’t like Texas. It actually makes her sad…don’t ask me, maybe Texas paid Toommate money a long time ago…or maybe Toommate has fallen in love with Texas and is just biding her time until she can marry it. Although I think Texas is just stringing her along. She hasn’t even had a DTR with Texas yet. So Toommate, to you I say: States are flighty when it comes to human emotion; don’t send out wedding invites just yet.
*Sigh*. How does such a beautiful, intelligent, humble girl get off topic so easily? I guess we’ll just say it is part of my charm. Yeah. Right. I’ve got charm coming out of my nose. I truly have nothing against Texas. I just need seasons, man. Distinct ones. With no humidity. (And that’s not so much for me, but more for my hair.) So Texas, big high-five to you and your crazy Republican ways.
Back to the original topic, which I believe I was introducing. I’m going to talk about God, so avert your eyes if you are easily offended or if your computer screen is too bright and you haven’t been eating your carrots. Also, avert your eyes if your computer is suddenly inundated with porn, as mine was last night, and remember this important Internet Lesson: don’t click on unknown links. Ever. Trust me.
God. Right. Here’s something Thomas Merton says: “If you find God with great ease, perhaps it is not God that you have found.” That pretty much describes my spiritual journey up to this point. I used to find “god” with such great ease; I just opened up my Bible and “he” was there. I just had to go to a Phi Lamb meeting and “he” was there. Shoot, I only needed to walk through the MSC and “he” was all over the place. I was good at finding “god.” It was just God who eluded me so often.
In Phi Lamb, I was constantly exhorted to be “In The Spirit.” I never knew what that meant, so I just figured it meant that I needed to find “god” a little more publicly. You know, pray louder in prayer meetings, pray longer, memorize more verses, whole books of the Bible even, that sort of thing. And they bought it.
But I don’t blame Phi Lamb for my spiritual shortcomings, nor do I blame anyone in the MSC or any churches or anything else. I don’t blame God. And I also don’t blame myself. I don’t think there is really a place for blame when it comes to my spiritual anythings. I’ve stepped away from those years, and in looking back upon them, I see a few things very clearly. One, I can count on one hand the number of times I encountered a true God (once). Two, nobody knew better. The people most closely involved in my spiritual journey were just doing the best they could. Three, although I walked away bruised and abused, I still walked away. There has to be a God in that, somewhere.
Here’s a quote I found today: “When your whole world is changing, it’s hard to know what will still be important tomorrow.” -Some guy called Chris
Change is a-foot in my life, so I can whole-heartedly agree with this guy called Chris. But I’m going to raise him one. Yeah, it might be difficult to know what will be important tomorrow, but I’m going to gamble a bit and make a list. I’m going to choose the things that I *think* will be important, and move my life on from there. And because I like lists that are threefold, so my list shall be.
3) Love. I’ve decided that Love is going to be important tomorrow. As it was said on my favorite show ever, “Be in love and eat lots of dessert.” So I will. I choose to love, actively and without reservation and without exceptions. And if love kicks my ass, I choose that as well. And I’ll just eat my dessert while I heal. Because I will not break. I am fragile, yes, I am shakable, but I will never be so broken that I cannot be put back together.
2) Self. I’ve lived a life where I was told that I wasn’t important. It’s quite a popular thought in the Christian school actually. We all proclaimed ourselves as less and God as more. I believe that still, but I also believe it was misunderstood then. Having God as a part of you does not negate the whole of you. And if you disagree, think back on all the times where God or Jesus looked out for an individual. It’s there. Everywhere. So as I continue on this God-trip, I refuse this time to lose myself. I refuse to give up who and what I am.
Allow me, if you will, to make another JofA reference. Two weeks ago, Joan’s best friend, Judith, was killed. She was a girl who had made so many bad choices–she had only one real friend; even her parents couldn’t look at her anymore. All people saw when they looked at her were her bad choices and the consequences of those choices. Until DoctorGod came along. He was in her hospital room, and Joan saw him and started yelling at him, saying, “How could you let this happen?” Judith looked at Joan and said, “Hey. Don’t piss off the only person who sees me.” And DoctorGod looked down at Judith, with this mixture of love, adoration, empathy, pain, and compassion; expressions all crossing his Nigerian face at the same time, and said (with true emotion in his voice), “It’s difficult not to look at such a beautiful person.”
That’s the God I am going to find. I believe He is truly like that. And sometimes, knowing He is like that is the only thing that keeps me on this God-trip. Do I have hard evidence that God truly sees beauty in my naked and hidden self? No. Somebody start playing the faith music, the acoustic guitars with the strummy strummy la la. I believe that in order for me to know God more, I need to know myself more. So I choose myself, and I proclaim that *I* will still be important tomorrow.
1) God. Didn’t see that coming, did you? I have no reason to elaborate, no reasons I can give for this choice, but I know in my heart, can feel it in the tips of my fingers and crackling around me like electricity in the air that God will be important tomorrow. And the next day, and the next day, regardless of whether I attended church this Sunday, regardless of if I read my Bible, regardless of if I tell other people about him. God doesn’t depend on me to keep Himself in my life. He exists because He is. Alpha, Omega, all that.
This God-trip is about a relationship with a being I will never understand, never see, never hear while I am on this earth. But it is the most real relationship I could ever hope for. And, as Philip Yancey says, “Relationships gain strength when they are stretched to the breaking point and do not break.”
Mood at the Moment: Huuuuuungry!! Eeeeeeeeeeaaatt!!
Music at the Moment: Peter Gabriel-“Solsbury Hill”