Hee. I just had a very fun conversation with my old roommate, Aaryn. We were chatting about dating and the topic of Phi Lamb rules came up. I haven’t thought about these rules in a loooong time, so I thought I could make another bulleted list, just to help those of you out there who think about dating sometimes.

First, it would help to define some Phi Lamb vocabulary words. I expect you all will be taking notes:

Pursue: This is something a girl must *never* do. To pursue is to show somebody that you like them. You may use actions, words, or even finger-puppets, although that isn’t recommended. Pursuing is only permissible for the man, and he should ask the girl’s permission before beginning to pursue her. You might think asking shows respect, but that’s not why he should ask. Asking actually gets him in good with her friends and the rest of Phi Lamb. I once saw a boy make a big speech at a party, asking this girl’s friends and family if he could pursue her, and then getting on one knee to ask the girl if pursuing was okay with her. It made a few of us uncomfortable, but turned him into a golden god in Phi Lamb.

Shacking: This is something good christian must never do. Shacking refers to when a boy spends the night at a girl’s house, or vice versa. Actually, shacking could refer to when a guy and girl spend any amount of time together away from others, but that is more Suspicion of Shacking. I think it is funny that Shacking sounds so much like Shagging. Ironic, no? Anyway, Shacking is bad because it gives the impression that you are having sex, although you aren’t allowed to say “sex” in Phi Lamb. Well, unless you whisper it with one hand over your mouth, while you and 3 other girls giggle and blush. In fact, go ahead and do that with the word Shacking as well as the word Passion.

Stumble Wear- Okay, to stumble is to think impure thoughts. Or sin. I’m not sure. To me, stumble was always something that happened when I tripped over my shoes, a crack in the sidewalk, or just my own clumsiness, and usually resulted in a sprained Dignity. Or ankle. Stumble Wear is the Phi Lamb term for any clothing that makes boys think about sex. These clothes include, but aren’t limited to, spaghetti straps, tank tops, short sleeved shirts, shorts, skirts above the knee, high heels (because those are very Za Za Zing), V-Necked shirts, scoop-necked shirts, and off the shoulder tops. Pants can be Stumble Wear if they are fitted or low-rise. You must also not expose your midriff. If any of these clothes are worn, Phi Lamb reserves the right to pull you aside and “rebuke” you. In fact, we might even come into your closet and Spiritually Cleanse it from all such slutty, harloty, sexually overt clothing. Actually, you know what? Just wear sackcloth. Or a Phi Lamb tshirt.

Okay, so now you know some of the terminology. Now, here’s the bulleted list of Phi Lamb’s Great Dating Rules:

Don’t call boys. Ever. Calling boys can be a sign that you are in love with them and give the impression that you want to get married and have lots of sex and babies. Boys must call you. Always. Actually, you may call a boy, but only if you are returning his phone call. And if you know he’s not there so that you can leave a message. We’d also like to stress the importance of praying about what your message will say. You must manage to sound disinterested, Godly, funny, cute, and smart all at the same time.

No frontal hugs- Ladies, when you hug a guy (which you shouldn’t do unless you’ve known him for a month anyway), you need to remember that you have some “business” in the front of your body that can make him stumble. If you give a boy a frontal hug, you aren’t respecting him as your Christian brother. We recommend a side-hug instead. Sure, it’s awkward and impersonal, but at least you didn’t make him think of sex. Well done.

-No pursuing!!-Now, we shouldn’t have to even mention this, but we are going to because we are Phi Lamb and we like to beat things (lovingly) into your brain. You should never do anything that can be construed as pursuing. You may not call boys. You may not make eye contact with them, unless you have known them a month. Please do not email them or IM them, unless they have emailed or IMd you first. Actually, even then, don’t. They will respect you more if you ignore them completely. Plus, God wants you to. If you like, we are more than happy to take some bible verses out of context and prove this. Let us know.

-Don’t pray with boys.– Seriously. You might think this is a funny rule, but when you pray with a boy you become spiritually attracted to the Jesus in him. Hm, that sounds strangely blasphemous. Let’s just put it this way: Praying with a boy is more intimate than sex, or so we’ve been told. Praying with a boy (any boy! Your prayer partner in IMPACT counts, as do your father, brother, cousins, and pastor.) can lead to falling in love with this boy, and you are not protecting your heart (or his heart). So don’t do it.

-No kissing! None!-Nada. Zilch. Nothing shady like that! This is a bylaw of frontal hugging, which leads to kissing, which leads to shacking, which leads to death! Seriously! Spiritual death! And it hurts Jesus’s feelings. You don’t want to hurt Jesus’s feelings, do you ladies? So you musn’t kiss a boy until you are engaged. Or married. Actually, better yet, don’t kiss them until after you’ve been married for five years. And don’t even think about having sex until your kids are in college. It’s better this way. Trust us.

There you are, ladies. These are the Rules. We didn’t make them up. They are 100% biblical! We’ll show you the verses, someday.

Oooh, I forgot the most important rule!! NO MISSIONARY DATING!!! You must only date (well, not that we want you to date…we strongly encourage you to *not* date until you are married) boys who are Christians. This is biblical. You cannot date a boy with the hopes of leading him to Christ. BAD! We actually had one officer, a few years back, suggest encouraging Missionary Dating. She even came up with a tshirt! “Sex for Souls,” it would say, in pink curly letters. And there would be a picture of two lambs…well, nevermind. We rebuked her, prayed for her soul as she was OBVIOUSLY not “in the Spirit,” and finally just ignored her. She no longer is in Phi Lamb, and dropped out of college. She is a waitress now, going to UTA, and probably is going to hell. Let’s all take a moment and pray for her.

There you are. We trust that you will follow these rules to the letter. If you have trouble with any of them, let us know! We will listen to your concerns, accuse you of being possessed with Dating Demons, and exorcise them from your unholy temple of a body. God bless!