“You can take a road that will lead you to the stars. I can take a road that will see me through.” -Nick Drake

So it is almost 1:30 in the morning, and I’m woozy from my medicine that’s supposed to help me not be woozy. And I’m sleepy but, as is the story of my life, I couldn’t put down the book I was reading.

A road that will lead you to the stars. It sounds like the better road, doesn’t it? The road that will lead your being to a wide and infinite universe, where, presumably, you will spend your time dancing and spinning from one star to the next. But what else is up there?

A road that will see you through–to me, that’s the more interesting road. How can a road, which really is just a path along a landscape, see somebody through anything? Applying an action verb to a road: clever. Well done, Nick Drake. You’ve made me think. Or maybe that’s the woozy medicine. Whicever it is, I am sitting here contemplating this road that offers such safety and security. And I think of God, naturally. Not because I am such a big believer, but because he tends to slip into my mind in these moments. God has to have something to do with the road. If he is alive, which I am assured by many that he is. And I’m becoming more certain of his livliness and existence each day; but is that enough?

I read (on a teabag, of all places) an old proverb that says: If you can’t see God in everything, then you can’t see him in anything. Stupid teabag. But maybe it has a point. Is this really one of those “all or nothing” relationships? Or are you allowed to come and go as you please, learning more but then taking your own space as well? Is it wrong to feel smothered by God?

I just know I don’t want to be one of those “pray when I need something” people. God probably has a limited amount of patience for that business. So why believe? Because I feel as though I should? Doesn’t God deserve more than that? Or maybe because I feel as though God is waiting for me to get it together before he gives me more in my life? Don’t I deserve more than that? Even I know that God doesn’t wait for me to be perfect; if I believe anything about him, I have to believe that. But these are the feelings that hold me back. Wanting to believe for all the wrong reasons: for security, for salvation, for certain people who mean so much to me.

So that’s that. For now.