Something has happened and I’ve been trying to ignore it and blog about silly things instead. But I can’t. I can’t write other words until I write the difficult words, so I’m going with the band-aid method and am just going to say the sad words so that maybe other, more different, less sad words can follow.
Slim and I broke up.
See also: heartbroken, sadness, general emo-esque malaise.
There. It’s written so maybe it will make it seem true. And maybe someday I’ll talk more about it.
Not today though. Today I’m going to make a list. Because lists help me ease back into writing longer posts with non-listy words. A list is doable though because, even though I’m incredibly sad, I’m also feeling loveful for many things. Hence, a list:
Stuff for which I am loveful:
-I have family. Really really good family. When sad things went down, my sister flew from Boston to Seattle within the first 48 hours of my broken heart. She curled up with me, cried with me, tried to entice me with cookies from her husband’s bakery, and helped me pick out new glasses. She also watched many episodes of Glee which, I’ve learned, is the exact show you should watch when your heart hurts. It helps. A lot.
-My mother is part of my really good family. She cried with me on the phone at least 3 or 4 times a day (and still does). ALSO, she and Papa Leo are flying me home to Arkansas in a couple weeks, a trip that comes when I would have been celebrating my second Passover with Slim. I shall now celebrate The Pioneer Woman and challenge myself to see how much butter I can consume in a week. Decidedly non-kosher and assuredly delicious.
-I have other friends who have been wonderful, especially Erica and Trav who are bringing me to Houston in April to retreat into their loving family, get silly with their kids, and giggle uncontrollably with Erica while we laugh at the same inside jokes that have been funny for over 10 years.
-My roommates have been magical. They have supported me and arranged all the logistical parts of breaking up (getting stuff back with the help of two other wonderful friends, canceling travel plans, etc). Clay made sure the freezer was stocked with my favorite goodies (hello Bagel Bites) and Victoria kept the Girl Scouts in business, again to entice me into eating more than just a spoonful of pear sauce from Trader Joe’s every day.
-Urmy, who called daily from Germany during the first week, the hard week. Erin, who has put aside our shaky recent history in order to share my sadness. Countless other friends (Miss D, CurlyBrunette, Creepies) who remind me daily that I’m lovable and loved.
-The Yummy Mummies got me a gift certificate for a pedicure because it’s hard to be as sad when your feet are lovely.
-I joined a gym. Because I have a choice right now. I can be sad and cry in my bed OR I can be sad and burn calories on the elliptical. Sometimes I actually choose the elliptical! Yay me!
-I got my new glasses yesterday and they are kicky. I’m entering my senile old lady phase early, as they have stars and moons on the sides (arms? legs? WHAT IS IT CALLED?). I just need to get some clunky jewelry, frizz out my hair, and invest in some scarves and I’m all set.
-I’ve had many friends rally around me and here’s the thing I’ve learned: I’ve spent a lot of the last year cocooning and avoiding the world. Even so, when everything in my life changed so quickly and I found myself not sure how to take a step forward, let alone look forward even a day into the future, my friends have rallied. So cocooning, while necessary and important, won’t keep out the truest friends, the people who love you no matter how long you go without being able to see them or talk to them. And I have a lot of true friends.
-I’m moving forward on my application to the School of Social Work, which is due on the first of April. It’s hard but I’m pushing myself to focus.
-I start my volunteer work at Seattle Children’s in just a couple weeks, when my travel settles down a bit. And I can’t wait. I’ll be spending 3 hours a week playing with patients, helping families, and working with other volunteers in the department of my career interest. I’m so lucky.
I’m here guys. I might be sad for awhile and I might not be whole right now, but I’m here. And in my good moments (which happen a bit more every day), I know things have happened for the best, that I’ll find someone who is certain about me, and that I will come out of the sadness.
I have a good goal, you see, keeping me motivated. I have to show a lot of people that I love them so much, find some way to thank them for everything.
I don’t know how so many people slipped into my cocoon without my notice, but I love them all for their sneakiness.